Hey friends. I thought I’d stop in for a second and give you an update on how things are going and where I’m at with this pregnancy.
Oh gosh. It’s been really, really hard lately.
Things were going really well in the 2nd trimester, and I was feeling super hopeful that I would get through this pregnancy relatively unscathed, but ever since I hit 29 weeks I’ve been feeling super miserable.
It’s mostly the acid reflux. It’s been so intense that even water makes me feel really nauseous. The only thing I can eat that doesn’t make it flare up is ice chips… yum!
I did talk to my Dr. about it and she gave me a prescription, but it hasn’t really helped. The only thing that really does anything at all is Zantac, but it only keeps things at bay for about an hour.
I’ve been throwing up lately again, and the tiredness has come back full force, and… I just feel miserable. It’s so hard to be available to my girls, and keep up with them, when I’m feeling so miserable.
Feeling this way has triggered some of the prenatal depression I had with the twins. I just feel so hopeless when I think that I have 10 more weeks of this, and it’s likely to get worse the bigger I get.
And then I go into a cycle of feeling guilty for feeling so miserable, and wanting this pregnancy to be over so desperately… and for feeling depressed and anxious. I feel guilty knowing there are some women who would do anything to be pregnant and that how I’m feeling is something that will go away as soon as I’m done.
I have an appointment with my Dr. on Friday and I’m going to talk with her about this, but right now… this is where I’m at. When I was pregnant with the twins these feelings came in waves, so I’m hoping that things will balance out soon. I’ve always been emotionally super sensitive to hormonal fluctuations in my body so I’m hoping that my body will regulate (as much as is possible during pregnancy) soon and I’ll start to feel better.
But as far as how things are going to look around here, I’m just not sure. Just last week I felt super energized and up for posting a lot but now I feel barely able to even think about blogging, let alone get dressed or take a shower.
So I’m just going to take it one day at a time. I’ll post when I feel up to it, but I’m not going to put pressure on myself to post with regularity.
If I’m being perfectly honest with you guys, I just REALLY hate being pregnant. I’m not one of those women who enjoy it or look forward to it and I think knowing this is my last pregnancy I’m even more anxious for it to be over with so I don’t ever have to experience it again (again, enter the guilty feelings for feeling this way). I also know now what it’s like to actually have the baby, and I don’t have any reservations for the “after pregnancy” stage.
I just want to meet our little guy and put pregnancy acid reflux behind me forever.
So anyway, I don’t write this post to complain to you guys. I just want to give you a bit of insight into why things might be quiet around here the next couple of months, and to hopefully let anyone else who’s feeling this way to know they aren’t alone.
So often I hear, “pregnancy is hard, but I know it’s all worth it.” And while that sentiment is 100% true it’s not always helpful. Of COURSE it’s all worth it, of COURSE the outcome will make me forget all of this. But RIGHT NOW, in these moments of feeling so awful, I just want to know it’s okay to feel this way without a caveat.
Okay. That’s all I’ve got. I guess I’ll just see you when I see you.
Oh and P.S. my RSS feed isn’t working, and I realize my e-mail updates haven’t been sending (they are RSS driven), but I have zero energy to be on the phone with my web host right now to get it fixed. It’ll be fixed eventually, but bear with me please.
30 weeks pregnant and really sympathizing with you! Of course I’ve got my own set of complications and aches but it’s so hard to feel like you have to rationalize to other people the why of whatever coping mechanism your using. Get thru it however you can! It is a phase, it will pass. Maybe there’s some bright spot you can focus on? Like not being as sleep deprived as you will be soon? Ha. But so glad you’re seeking help from your Dr about depression. Such a good step. Not sure if it’s just me but once I accepted living with some amount of guilt I felt so much better. Trying not to feel guilty was so much harder than just accepting that I would have guilt. Maybe trying to get ride of the guilt required action on my part, action I couldn’t take. Anyway, thank you for sharing.
Thanks for sharing Jessica! Knowing that it’s a phase is the only thing getting me through at this point. I hope you make it smoothly to the end of your pregnancy as well!
I don’t know if I’ve ever commented before but I’m a long-time reader. I’m also in my 19th week with my second child and really wanted to say to you that the way you’re feeling is completely understandable. First time around I got nausea and some vomiting throughout my entire pregnancy – utterly debilitating and life-altering up to about week 18-20 and then at a lesser level through to the end. So far, this pregnancy is going pretty much the same way. I totally understand that feeling of having to caveat every comment you make about how awful you feel with a runner-up comment about being grateful. Of course we’re grateful. If it’s not the first time we’ve done it, of COURSE we understand that it’s all worth it in the end. If it weren’t for how I felt about my daughter, no force on earth would have convinced me to experience pregnancy again! But no one asks to feel this way and no one goes into pregnancy expecting this kind of experience. I’m slowly making my peace with the fact that I wear pregnancy very very badly (no glowing, no thick luscious hair and lovely skin), and I’m never going to be one of those women who misses her bump or thinks back nostalgically to that special time. I experienced a lot of depression first time around, in part because of feeling awful and in part because of worrying that I wasn’t feeling ‘right’ (i.e. overwhelmed with gratitude and the miracle of growing another person, etc.). I think you’re doing an incredible job and just wanted you to know that I’m one of (probably many many) women who’ve experienced pregnancy who understand how you’re feeling and know that you’re grateful even if you really don’t feel up to expressing anything other than how gruelling pregnancy is that particular day. I so hope your symptoms ease and I think you’re doing the right thing taking a step back and looking after yourself and your mental health xx
Thank you for commenting and sharing your own experience. It’s so easy to feel alone in the misery precisely because not many women speak up about the misery of it all. I’m so sorry you’ve had bad experiences, but I do understand. I hope time passes quickly for you and that you will find relief soon!
I’m just so proud of you for being super transparent through all of this. It doesn’t do anybody any good just to say warm fuzzy things if that’s not reality. You can bet this post is going to help hundreds of women out there that have just been given permission to be honest about whatever their reality is. I’m WAY past this stage of life, but would’ve appreciated this perspective years ago.
Praying for you and your family. đź’ś
Thank you Lorrie! That means so much to me. I HOPE it helps other women know they are not alone. We appreciate the prayers!
I’m so sorry you’re not feeling well! It’s hard, I know, and I appreciate your honesty.
I read that you’ve had preeclampsia before, so you know your own symptoms, but when I got pre-e (at 37 weeks, out of nowhere, it seemed) my only symptom, in hindsight, was terrible heartburn. I wasn’t overweight, swelling wasn’t out of control or anything, no headaches…just daily, unending heartburn. I was given medicine for it and it didn’t do much. After the fact (when my baby had been delivered at 37 weeks, NICU, magnesium sulfate for me, the whole deal…, you know this!), I read up a LOT on pre-e and discovered that heartburn can be a symptom.
All to say… make sure you and your doctor are on on top of your BP regularly. For my second pregnancy, I was told to check it at home often in the third trimester.
Best wishes!
Thanks Laura! I’m being very carefully monitored because of my history, but I do appreciate your concern!
Hang in there!! Pregnancy is the worst!!!
I felt the same way, and experienced a lot of depression during both my pregnancies. After the second baby, I was experiencing some PPD (which I definitely had, but was undiagnosed the first time around) and decided to start a super low dose antidepressant. I just felt I couldn’t face parenting my older child plus a baby in the emotional state I was in. Even this tiny dose (half of a normal starting dose is still all I’m taking, a year later) changed everything for me, and I wish I had started it during the pregnancy. You can’t do much about the physical discomforts. But in retrospect I know that the depression exacerbated the nausea and malaise. I am not trying to push medication on you (or anyone!) but just wanted to share my experience after struggling for ten years to try to “handle it” without intervention. I was surviving but I was definitely not thriving. I wonder now why I was so stubbornly opposed to helping myself… when and if (big If) we have a third baby, I am dreading the physical discomforts of pregnancy, but I am more at ease in my emotional well being.
Best wishes to you. Your feelings are totally valid.
I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this as well Mallory! I am not opposed to medicine at all, and I know a lot of people that have really benefitted from it. I’m glad you’ve been able to find relief from taking it!