I have a confession to make:
I never had a strong desire to be a mother before I became one.
Growing up, I never felt that “motherly instinct” that I see in so many other women. I didn’t enjoy babysitting and I never felt comfortable around newborns.
I was never opposed to the idea of having children, I just wasn’t convinced it was for me.
When we finally did decide to have a baby, it was decided with logical reasons and not emotional reasons.
But then Kit came and I held her for the first time and everything changed.
Those logical reasons were completely swept away and replaced with the deepest love I have ever felt.
Then last July when we found out we were having twins, I reverted back to those original feelings.
“I can’t have twins! I’m not one of those moms… the kind that just know exactly what they are doing! The kind that just have it in their blood.”
But I did have twins. And once again, that moment I heard their cries and they were placed in my arms my fears melted away and my love expanded even more.
Sometimes I look around at my three girls and wonder how the heck I got here.
I never thought I would be a mother to three children under three.
I literally have no idea what I’m doing. I wake up every morning and pray for the grace of God to guide me in this role I never thought I would be in.
But you know what? Something else I’ve learned is that no mother really knows what they’re doing. It’s just a bunch of guessing and hoping and getting it wrong sometimes and getting it right other times.
And some days are so incredibly hard and all you want is just to have one second to yourself… and it takes all of your energy not to lose. it.
And then other days are so incredibly good that you just want to scoop the memories up and never let them go.
Being a mother is messy and complicated and so incredibly fulfilling.
It’s been the hardest role I’ve ever tackled and I think I’ll still be saying that when I’m 60 and they’re 30.
But though it’s the hardest, it’s also the best dang thing and I would never, ever want to go back to how things were before my three precious girls were given to me.
So to all of you other mothers out there who are in the same boat, that are taking this one day at a time and feeling like you’re in over your head: Happy Mother’s Day.
I hope your day is as special as you are.
Until next time,